Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Little boy alone in the corner....

I can't believe I'm actually following through with day number two of my Blog. I think back on the past 5 years and realize that on good days I have a great perspective on where I have come from and where I am going. On other days... well, it seems like yesterday. Failure seems like yesterday... everyday. I feel as though I have a better handle on shame... that I'm not A failure but that sometimes I fail and it's all part of an elaborate relapse process... THAT, I'm getting more familiar with every day it seems. I do have pain pretty constantly.. mostly loneliness. I think one of the biggie's in the pain department is needing to feel as though something I do matters. I think the best sound in the world is a child's laughter. Maybe because I remember that was the last time my laughter was pure and not tainted by abuse. I think back about that little boy alone in the corner and cry for him sometimes. If I could travel back in time... I would arrive at pivotal times just to say, I love you and it's all going to be ok. There are other times I would go back in time and just knock the crap out of me with a baseball bat. I'd say..."you know what that's for!"

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