The assistant Holy Spirit

Well it happened again. Someone acting on behalf of God tried to force their opinions on me again. I am so gun shy when they do this. I know that God uses leadership to take us from one place of growth to multiple levels of growth. So I've been in this role for years and now I'm having to put my trust in someone to mentor or lead me through the next plane of growth in my life. Trouble is I don't because I'm still in such a transitional stage of healing, especially in the area of finances. I've planted more seeds than I know how to plant. I've given 25% of my income in given years. I've done all these thing and my car still blew an engine, I still had medical bills I couldn't pay, and it seemed church leadership was being blessed and we were seriously struggling ....I don't believe God wanted us to do that. Now I'm back to the predator's and yes, they can be ministers or what I call 'The Assistant Holy Spirit' because everyone knows church people are too stupid to figure this out for ourselves... here the deal though.. doesn't God depend on us to work out our own salvation? How do you know who the good ones are and who the bad ones are? (just in case you were wondering, there is no such person as the assistant holy spirit) So you go to a church.. you go to 10 churches... you find 'the one.' You go for a while, get to know friends, find a place, enjoy the worship. Membership.... hm? Either way, you get more involved.. so now you are a year or maybe more down the road. Then comes the conflict, can you work through it or is it easier to run. Now you have come full circle. I wish I could say I have answers to these questions but I'm living this myself and you know what? Sometimes I think to myself... remind me why I go to church?

Friends...

So much of my life has been spent in Ministry. Not friends, parishoners. So that requires a little more finess. My lifelong friends I can count on one hand... from my childhood or Church or High School. I made good friends in college but few made it past the 20 year mark. So I stepped out of ministry and realized I had been living in a cocoon. I hid in my house and now have no idea how to be a neighbor, although Bob did teach me alot when I lived in Cory Indiana. I could not play favorites and kept everyone I pastored at arms length. I was crazy busy and my business was relationships so it makes sense that when I wasn't involved in Ministry, I escaped to the solitude of Nature. Now here I am after years of fighting off people, fame and freakishly needy people. Trish and I spent the last three years telling ourselves we were going to make friends. Real friends... one's you can be vulnerable with, laugh, cry, laugh, and be brutally honest with. Darren and Tina in Wisconsin, Dave and Dorothy, Sandra and Otis, Kyle and Wendy in Tampa. We spent the entire afternoon cooking last saturday preparing a sumptuous feast for our friends, whom we love. I'm finding healing from the damage of Ministerial stupidity... can you see that, or is it just me?

So today was a great Saturday. It started with a men's breakfast.. traditionally early morning. Then I went to my usual ritual of washing my truck, which is very relaxing. Then off to Lakeland... the day was relaxing, Trish drove on our way back and let me sleep. Recovering from the men's breakfast no doubt. We had an exceptional time at 'The proposal', very funny. So in the course of this day I have managed to feel exceptionally down. I don't know why, maybe it's just the time of life where you do the same thing over and over and over and it occurs to you what you are doing. For some reason I hate doing the same thing over and over. Why is it that it is in some peoples nature to naturally flow into a routine, it appears to be like a warm bath. I have such a hard time doing that. Sometimes I'll take a way home just because I'm sick of going the usual way. Just because I love change. It's a blessing and a curse. Probably started as my life became more performance oriented as I grew up. I heard a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt: "Do something that scares you everyday." I like that. I hate that. It requires a level of passion I admire but have no idea how to perform it. Fear Paralyzes me sometimes. I cling to safety when something that scares me is being exacted from me. Oh, I'm such a brave coward.

Whew, yesterday was really Bleah with a capital B! Today I woke up and the sun was shining and I have felt a little lighter in my heart. I have found that there are still things buried inside of me. Yeah... you know how you're just going along happy as can be not knowing that God is sneaking up on you... about to surprise you with the ability to rid yourself of something dark that hides inside of you.. something that hurts you... a belief system that keeps you in a place of shallow, legalistic terror. Well, yesterday that belief system that was holding me in a place of anti-tranquility came to the top. ew... it was not pretty. Kind of like coughing up a hairball. But it's up and out now, I'm aware and have recognized my part in keeping it alive and am doing my part to relinquish the guilt and shame and unforgiveness over to God. Very Cool.

God knows where my soft underbelly is...

Oops, missed yesterday. Today was a great day until I got a phone call. You know how you commit yourself to a situation and give and give and give and then someone calls your committment to that situation in question. I hate that. My wife and I have been seriously in a healing mode and one thing i have found is that no matter how much you think you can rush healing... it has it's own time table. You can say or think you are past something then bam! It's like trying to drive overseas. You can do it... you can drive on the rights side of the car on the let side of the road and think you are doing great..... until you have to react in an emergency. Then, guess what? Your reaction will be what is embedded in your brain, left side of car right side of road. Same with healing... when you are hard pressed, what's inside that hasn't healed will rage out of you with a vengeance. I guess I am still healing in so many ways. I'm workin on it though.

Little boy alone in the corner....

I can't believe I'm actually following through with day number two of my Blog. I think back on the past 5 years and realize that on good days I have a great perspective on where I have come from and where I am going. On other days... well, it seems like yesterday. Failure seems like yesterday... everyday. I feel as though I have a better handle on shame... that I'm not A failure but that sometimes I fail and it's all part of an elaborate relapse process... THAT, I'm getting more familiar with every day it seems. I do have pain pretty constantly.. mostly loneliness. I think one of the biggie's in the pain department is needing to feel as though something I do matters. I think the best sound in the world is a child's laughter. Maybe because I remember that was the last time my laughter was pure and not tainted by abuse. I think back about that little boy alone in the corner and cry for him sometimes. If I could travel back in time... I would arrive at pivotal times just to say, I love you and it's all going to be ok. There are other times I would go back in time and just knock the crap out of me with a baseball bat. I'd say..."you know what that's for!"

Day One...

This is the first entry to my blog... well, my first blog ever. I'm hoping to incorporate what I've learned as a result of my life of addiction into everyday life for those who find religion a very toxic place and religious people extremely annoying. I love God with all my heart, I trust the Holy Spirit to help me find my way down this really scary path. I'm still searching for a much greater understanding of Jesus than I've known before. It appears as I've tried to re-develop my relationship with Christ theses past four years, I've had to spend the majority of my time undoing so much damage.. sometimes I feel like I haven't even scratched the surface. What were the first 45 years about? How could I have been so gullable.. I can't even see level ground yet. After spending 16 years with a 'mentor' and walking away from his swath of destruction... it's taking time. Planting seeds, giving above tithe, complete subjugation to authority, placing everything behind man's will, always looking for that 'big break' the 'miracle' around the next corner. Well, after 23 years of looking around corners I finally find that my personality leans to co-dependency and that I have a desire to please and serve which makes me subject to predators.... ministerial predators who are looking to build their kingdom with 50 people on 50 acres in the middle of the woods. How can you be so blind for so long? hm.